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The world was kind

7 Aug 2020

This event must not define me, for I cannot fall apart I know that I must heal, but I don’t know where to start

Content Warning: The below poem may be traumatic for some readers as the content deals with sexual assault and associated trauma.

As the blue sky darkened and the sun laid to rest
Innocent and unbroken, my spirit felt at rest
As the blue sky darkened and the sun laid to rest
Everything felt in control, my journey rocky but blessed

As the car door closed, and the walk to the flat begun
Nothing could go wrong, just a drop off to be done
As the car door closed, and the walk to the flat begun
Tension grew within me, what events were to come?

As two men opened the front door, the drop off was to be quick
Just drop it off and leave, get out of this hallway of bricks
As two men opened the front door, the drop off was to be quick
Unbeknownst to me, there was an irretrievable trick

As the fear grew inside me, I couldn’t yell I couldn’t cry
They started to control me, innocent and not knowing why
As the fear grew inside me, I couldn’t yell I couldn’t cry
His arms were too strong, it’s too late to run and hide

As the wire door slammed and the fear injecting begun
Everything was going wrong, what have I caused or done?
As the wire door slammed and the fear injecting begun
Shaking and so scared, what events were to come?

As the alcohol was disappearing into their bodies alone
Fear started to take over, in my body and my bones
As the alcohol was disappearing into their bodies alone
The anger and the control became present in their tone

As a young woman in fear, I frantically suppressed
The reality that they, were forcing me to undress
As a young woman in fear, I frantically suppressed
The abuse, control and pain, the feelings of this mess

As one thing led to another, my body never to be the same
I was being raped and “fuck head” became my name
As one thing led to another, my body never to be the same
Nothing could compare, to this hurt and this shame

As the smell of cigarette smoke, became my comfort in this cell
I know this smell from somewhere else, not here in this hell
As the smell of cigarette smoke, became my comfort in this cell
I was imagining the pain away, sinking it deep into a well

As the third rape was finished, I curled into a ball and cried
The hard blue carpet caught me, and in it I would confide
As the third rape was finished, I curled into a ball and cried
The hard blue carpet comforted me, as my spirit slowly died

As the dark sky turned to blue, and the sun shed its light
Weakened and sore, in me there was no fight
As the dark sky turned to blue, and the sun shed its light
My strength, soul, my courage, had been stolen in the night

As the doors begun to open, the lies started to flow
This needed to be hidden, no one was to know
As the doors begun to open, the lies started to flow
Make-up covered bruises and pain not to be shown

Shower after shower, trying to wash away the smell
The smell of the alcohol, the smell of their yell
Shower after shower, trying to wash away the smell
The smell of the floor, which caught me as I fell

The days carried on but my spirit continued broken
Too scared to speak aloud, ashamed to have my voice spoken
The days carried on, but my spirit continued broken
Praying for it to end, praying not to be woken

Was it my fault or was it theirs, I will never understand
For I should have made it stop, with my legs and with my hands
Was it my fault or was it theirs, I will never understand
For I feel so fucking stupid, for not being able to take a stand

Where do I go from now, with this pain and this fear?
My heart is so heavy and hope doesn’t feel near
Where do I go from now, with this pain and this fear?
There is an untold story, behind all my falling tears

How do I avoid drowning, in this river full of the unknown?
Panic attacks and nightmares, the flashbacks of their tone
How do I avoid drowning, in this river full of the unknown?
I am embarrassed and I am scared and I feel so weak and alone

This event must not define me, for I cannot fall apart
I have been beaten, betrayed and hurt and felt a broken heart
This event must not define me, for I cannot fall apart
I know that I must heal, but I don’t know where to start

Why did this happen to me? A question that consumes my mind
I was just a young Koorie woman, with so much to learn and find
Why did this happen to me? A question that consumes my mind
I was just a young Koorie woman, who thought the world was kind

The author of this poem would like to acknowledge the incredible work of Aboriginal Medical Services and their associated health workers. They provide care and save lives every day.

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