Hold onto your combs, hide your toothbrushes One Nation is here

BREAKING: The irrelevant and yet paradoxically dangerous One Nation today announced that if elected in NSW, which will never happen, they will introduce a new system of Indigenous identification relying on DNA ancestry testing, which is not yet possible, and is mostly a Federal issue not a state one anyway.

One Nation announcing ‘policies’ they know will never be implemented but which they hope will stir up enough racism to score them a few extra redneck votes… ?

— Pearson In The Wind (@LukeLPearson) March 11, 2019

DNA testing is likely to cause stress for Indigenous people around the country, many of whom are now concerned that One Nation operatives may soon be scouring through their trash looking for DNA samples, and new policy ideas to win votes.

Nathaniel from Docklands, Melbourne (not his real name), upon hearing about One Nation testing, told IndigenousX, “that’s it, I am never brushing my hair or teeth again.

Nathaniel Hames

I know it’s a bit drastic, but I am simply not prepared to take the risk with this ‘One Nation testing’. The thought of potentially being linked to Pauline Hanson or Mark Latham genetically is too much to bear.’

He added, ‘I remember my great grandfather had tinges of red in his beard when he didn’t shave for a few days. It’s always been a bit of a skeleton in the Hames (still not a not real name) household that we could be related to Pauline Hanson. It’s a potential truth too horrible to think!’

I look forward to finding out what percentage of Latham is rat and what percentage is boiled sausage.

— Daniel James (@MrDTJames) March 11, 2019

But it’s not only being genetically linked to Pauline Hanson that worries Nathaniel Hames, “I remember visiting my uncle when I was about 36 or 37. We’re sitting around watching Matlock, I think it was, when up gets uncle and says, ‘right, who wants some boiled sausages?’”

Mum and dad told me to go and play outside. I noticed that there was a heated discussion inside. It turns out that mum and dad didn’t like having boiled sausages around their kids. The resemblance to Mark Latham was too much. Like most of us to this day, I have an aversion to boiled sausages and half-arsed, right wing, would be eugenicists.’

While some have unfairly compared Latham’s appearance to that of a boiled sausage, others have more than boiled sausages on their plate.

Far too many Aboriginal people are confronted by issues related to our health, education and over-representation in the justice system. The thought that there may be an over-representation of Latham/Hanson in our DNA is the stuff of nightmares.

Luckily for my grandkids, I’ve been Fully Aboriginal for fuckennnn 18 years I reckon

— Scott Trindall (@ScottTrindall) March 11, 2019

Gomeroi man Scott Trindall told IndigenousX, “My real concern, the thing that keeps me awake at night, that if I am rounded up and tested, my DNA might actually show that I am white. As Pauline said, they would make me the part of the most disadvantaged group in Australia, or “Straya” as she pronounces it.”

Kinda weird that one nation is coming out with all these bullshit Indigenous policies… you’d think they’d be focusing on the most demonised group in Australia instead.

— IndigenousX Pty Ltd (@IndigenousXLtd) March 11, 2019

Trindall does take some solace if worse comes to worst, “If it turns out that I am white, at least I know Pauline and the government agree that it’s ‘ok to be white’“.

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