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Huge win for #RaiseTheAge campaign as magistrate finds 26 too young *

“It doesn’t matter if a private school boy is 13, 26, or 74, they are still just boys!”

Those campaigning for the age of criminal responsibility in Australia to be raised from ten to fourteen were delighted with recent news that a magistrate in Australia believes that 26 is too young to be held criminally responsible for breaking the law.

The news came in the form of a recent judgement made on two 26 year old boys found in possession of a ‘$300 bag of cocaine’. Despite the two young boys being considerably above the current age of criminal responsibility, driving age, voting age, drinking age, age of consent, and age that many others finish uni, complete apprenticeships, get jobs, or become parents, the ‘no-nonsense’ ACT magistrate recorded no convictions and dismissed the charges, referring to the children as “young and stupid”.

The ‘no-nonsense’ magistrate quoted here cracking jokes about snorting cocaine in bathrooms instead of out in public.

“This is a huge win for us,” said one Raise The Age campaigner, Sophia Lowanna, “Honestly, we would have been happy with 14, which I think is still way too young, so to get a no-nonsense magistrate like this who evidently believes that 26 is too young to be held criminally responsible is just amazing. It’s a great day.”

The decision has been heralded as a massive improvement in Australia’s legal system over the past decade, with many making reference to a case in 2009 where it was eventually agreed that a 12 year old boy was probably too young to be held criminally responsible for being given a stolen Freddo Frog.

Some campaigners are unsure what such a move could mean for age limits concerning driver’s licenses, voting rights, or the current drinking age, and are rumoured to be planning to make a compromise offer to government, taking the average of ages 10 and 26 and asking for the age of criminal responsibility to be set at 18.

Others however have argued that the age of criminal responsibility should be on a case by case basis, “It doesn’t matter if a private school boy is 13, 26, or 74, they are still just boys!” said one judge, Justice Judgey McRacist (no relation), presumably making reference to 74 year old private school boy, Sam Newman, who recently made a public apology to Nicky Winmar over comments Sam made, along with two other elderly boys, about Nicky on a podcast.

When asked about public school-educated children, Justice McRacist replied “Who cares what happens to them? Their parents obviously don’t, or they would have sent them to a private school like mine did for me.”

Some fringe legal scholars have urged caution though, saying that the decision may not be the victory that it seems. It has long been theorised in certain, less credible, legal circles that there may in fact be something of a ‘double standard’ when it comes to the legal system in Australia which sees ‘lower income and Indigenous children treated as adults, while higher income white adults are treated as children’. One such scholar, Captain John Obvious, said “Oh for fuck’s sake, why are we still talking about this like it’s even a question? It’s racism, plain and simple. I’m so sick of this shit.”

This theory doesn’t really hold up to scrutiny though for, as we all know, Australia is a meritocracy and the last vestiges of racism in Australia were eliminated in 1999 by PM John Howard, which is why he created Harmony Day that same year to replace the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination, in celebration of his victory. Also, Captain Obvious was mean to me and he swore and therefore should be ignored, and maybe arrested (I’m still talking to my lawyers, who are currently investigating where he went to school, to see if it is worth pursuing the matter in court).

“Racism is a scary word, it can ruin people’s lives, white people’s lives I mean, and I don’t think anyone should be throwing around such a hateful and dangerous word all willy-nilly just because Aboriginal adults aged between 10 – 18 keep committing crimes and innocent white kids aged 18 – 101 keep making silly mistakes. In fact, I called the police on an eleven year old Aboriginal woman recently for calling me the R-word, and thankfully she is now serving a 3 year sentence for resisting arrest and assaulting police.” said one elite private school principal, Karen McRacist (no relation).

*This article is satirical in parts, and painfully true in others. You be the judge, but before you do, please keep in mind that the author of this article is only 39 years young.

Also, please support the #RaiseTheAge campaign by signing the petition.

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